Dear Parentnormal,

My children have developed superpowers and are using them against me. For instance, my baby can immobilize me against my will. Each night when I lay him down to sleep, he freezes me in place leaving me forced to sleep standing up beside his crib. I am also frequently teleported without warning from the living room to my baby’s room. And just last night, I told my toddler very firmly that she couldn’t have a cookie yet I found myself giving her a cookie before I could finish the sentence. How do you explain this parentnormal activity?

Defenseless Dan

Dear Defenseless Dan,

You are not alone. But it is unlikely your children have superpowers.

Walking out of a baby’s room at night, no matter how quietly, is like throwing water on a baby’s face. In some cases, even grimacing from a cramp caused by standing beside a crib too long can provoke a tantrum. Therefore, the natural reaction is to never leave a baby’s room at night, which after a few weeks can lead to conditioned behaviors such as becoming frozen beside a crib.

Regarding your claims of teleportation, days and nights spent going back and forth between a living room and a baby’s room without sleep can cause a person to forget where they started and how they arrived. Basically, life becomes a blur. But eventually a parent learns how to interpret the blur around them like being able to see one of those optical illusion 3D stereograms. You will too. In the meantime, teleportation will seem plausible, as it does for all exhausted parents initially, which means as it does for all parents initially.

As far as your inability to resist giving your daughter a cookie, it’s simple. Babies and toddlers are sometimes too cute and irresistible even when you know better. There’s no changing this fact.

Never Alone,

The ParentNormal